Surgeon General Says Children Calling Shotgun Dangerously Early
Washington, D.C.— Calling it a "crisis among our nation's children," Surgeon General Elmo Cooper said that America's youth are calling shotgun far too early, and that he will lead a campaign to stem the trend. Dr. Cooper hopes that the country will rally around the new slogan "Just Don't Say Shotgun" and stop calling for the front seat hours, even days, sooner than necessary. The campaign will feature a series of dark, brooding ads showing young people who've lost friends by calling shotgun too soon. In one compelling spot, a young boy, stranded at the mall by his friends for calling shotgun during the movie they had come to see, says, "Now what the fuck am I gonna do?" as they drive off. He is then run over by a truck, and, later in the ad, stray dogs tear apart his forgotten corpse.
Dr. Cooper says that, medically speaking, "a premature call is the exclaiming of 'shotgun' before any part of the vehicle is in view," but he said that the definition will have to be revised in light of troubling new data. To illustrate the problem, Dr. Cooper brought several afflicted teens to speak to reporters. Said Billy Gaynor, a hardened seventeen-year-old from Knoxville, "The first thing I do every morning is call shotgun eight, maybe ten, times. That gets me a few good rides. But I still can't beat the people who set their alarms at like 4:00 A.M." Dr. Cooper warned that while many youths, particularly young men like Mr. Gaynor, glorify shotgun and think it is 'sweet', calling it too early can have many dangerous side effects, including peer ridicule and rides in the trunk. Studies have also suggested that early shotgun-calling can lead children to prematurely blurt out other things, such as semen, which can have serious consequences later in life.
Explaining the early calling rise, Dr. Cooper said, "Children learn from their parents that riding shotgun is more spacious, so naturally, they want to sit up front when they are old enough to make seating decisions for themselves." Kids also face peer pressure from older children, who make fun of and sometimes scoot the seat back on children who don't ride shotgun. Dr. Cooper concedes that this abuse is deserved, but he implores parents to hide that fact from their kids: "Our children must not know that they're bitches for riding in the back. That way we can always get the front."
Child Trapped Inside Hog: Rescuers to Attempt Daring Barbecue
Fillmore - This small Georgia town waits anxiously as preparations are made for a daring feast designed to free little Toby Gratchet, who's been trapped inside a local hog for nearly 45 straight hours. Toby has been stuck inside his family's 1,200-pound Berkshire sow, nicknamed Corndog, since he played too near the beast two days ago, and it swallowed him. Toby's sister discovered his accident when she found his lucky hat in Corndog's excrement.
Summoned to the scene, rescue technicians have been feeding the pig blankets and bottled water and report that Toby is "scared but unhurt" inside. According to his mother, Toby keeps his spirits up by singing Whitney Houston songs and has been comforted by the outpouring of affection from caring Georgians, who have sent forks, knives, and napkins by the thousands to help the citizens of Fillmore come to terms with the tragedy. One well-wisher, reportedly a prominent businessman, has even sent an over-sized Teflon diaper for the pig to catch Toby should he be "passed" by the animal before the rescue.
Emergency personnel say that, unless Corndog begins belching, the supply of air inside the hog will last at least six more days, giving them plenty of time to organize a barbecue to get Toby out. "Mmmm. I bet it's delicious in there," said many pork-loving locals of Toby's meaty confines. According to authorities, the plan is to baste the pig carefully in a tasty sauce and then cook it over a fire until it's just right. Then, in a life-or-death feast, rescuers will attempt to eat through to the trapped child.
The maneuver is risky on many counts. For the emergency personnel, heartburn and unseemly gas are immediate dangers, and, for Toby, the presence of coleslaw during the rescue will provide an added risk. It's possible that the rescuers might fill up on slaw, forcing the child to endure an evening in the refrigerator, as "leftovers". Rescuers are also concerned that the salivating jaws of life might injure Toby during the rescue meal itself.
Freezing Eskimos Have 47 Words for "This Sucks"
Um-waka-waka, Canada - A group of Harvard linguists studying the Eskimos of northern Canada have discovered that in addition to 34 words for snow, the arctic culture has over 47 words meaning "this sucks."
Dr. Trisha Dean, who led the team said, "Language, like other social constructs, is environmentally influenced. For instance, there are ten Russian words for 'starving' and twelve for 'mono-brow'. Naturally, the vocabulary of the Inuits reflects that living on frigid, barren glaciers and eating only fish heads for generation after generation is very sucky."
She maintains that the many words allow the Inuits to convey rich nuances of suckiness that go unnoticed by English-speakers. Said Dean, "If an American woke up smelling like rotten tuna, he would say 'this sucks', the same thing he would say if he smelled like rotten herring instead. However, an Eskimo would say massak about a tuna-stench, while the latter situation would require the harsher aput."
Dr. Dean supplied this list of common Eskimo words for suck and their English translations.
tingenek- This sucks.
massalerauvok- Long ago, my son, it did not suck, but that's not really true at this time.
mauj-a For many moons, it has sucked. Now is no different.
akkilokipok- It is as if the great-snow tiger of suckiness has raped my sister.
Poor-Spelling Children Pay Dearly for "Letters to Satan"
Little Rock--The nation's educational crisis has taken a poignant twist this Christmas, as thousands of poor-spelling children have unwittingly addressed their "Letters to Santa" to Satan and suffered tragic consequences.
Ten-year-old Sally Ryder mistakenly asked Satan for a pony and was trampled to death by the Budweiser Clydesdales at a football game. In Minnesota, six-year-old Timmy Brattle, hoping for a TonkaTM fire-truck, was killed in a four-alarm blaze that a whole company of bright, shiny pumpers could not extinguish. And hundreds of children asking Satan for Legos have found themselves buried alive inside colorful, pricey tombs made of the famous inter-locking bricks.
Postmaster General, Sarah Smith, has spent most of the past week scrambling to defend her employees: "Look, we just deliver the mail. The return bestowal of gifts, or alternatively, an eternity of hellfire and torment is left up to the recipient." She continued, "My advice is for everyone to work on their spelling. We've seen quite a few letters to 'Santa, Reaver of Souls' lately, and I'm sure Chris Cringle has no idea what to do with the talismans and chicken guts he's getting."
below is a picture of a man dressed up to go tricker treating as internet explorer 4.0
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Heroic Family Dog Drags Problem Child Back into Burning Building
Dover - Man's best friend made the ultimate sacrifice for Larry and Jen Randal yesterday, as the couple's cherished Retriever, Mrs. Cookie, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of their obnoxious son. Four-year-old Billy Randal seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the pet subdued the child and dragged him back to his death as the neighbors and parents he had tormented watched gratefully.
Mr. Randal said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags he stored in Billy's closet was ignited by one of the candles the family used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Mr. Randal quickly ushered his wife and Mrs. Cookie to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the little guy catch up on his sleep.".
A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Billy, and the child stumbled toward the door. As the family watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the boy struggled free of the burning debris, his tiny body silhouetted against blaze.
Tragedy was avoided only when Mrs. Cookie sprung from Larry Randal's arms to pull the staggering, annoying four-year-old back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dog, "like some kind of Darth Lassie," was gnawing on Billy's charred flesh even as it was itself overcome by flames.
Witnesses described the boy's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever could," his thankful mother said.
She continued, "Billy changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Mr. Randal added, "He would call me that, too." Billy was especially close to Mrs. Cookie, said his parents, "He would grip her ears and try to ride Cookie down the stairs or sometimes trick her into licking the stove. It's that kind of thing that inspired her to do what she did."
Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Billy's death.
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